“The two most important days in your life are the day you’re born and the day you discover why.” — Mark Twain
At some point, almost all of us face it.
The thing that once provided meaning and shook us out of bed in the morning is suddenly gone, and we’re left with a disorienting and daunting question:
What now?
I hear it almost every day in my coaching world: “How do I find purpose now that…
- “I’m an empty nester?”
- “I retired or left my job?”
- “I can’t play the sport I love anymore?”
- “I don’t have anyone depending on me?”
- “Work isn’t as fulfilling as it used to be?”
The situations may differ, but the feeling is often the same: there’s a loss of direction, a sense of hollowness, and a fear that whatever was lost won’t be replaced.
Part of the struggle stems from the things we often confuse with purpose, like daily work, a to-do list, or achievement.
All these things have real meaning, but they end.
You can lose a job, end a career, check off your to-do list, and there’s always the next achievement.
Purpose doesn’t end. It endures through thick and thin, struggle and strife, night and day.
Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, found purpose and meaning in a concentration camp. That should tell you how untethered purpose really is from achievement, title, wealth, or circumstance.
But what is it really, and how do you find it?
Gap Insight: Many people search for their “one purpose” in life as if one day they’ll wake up and be blessed by the purpose fairy. Yet, purpose evolves, and there is never just one purpose you’re here to discover.
The Purpose Problem
I ran into the purpose conundrum twice in my life.
First, after ending my stint in professional tennis at 26. Next, as an exercise therapist in my mid-40’s.
Each had been my life for over twenty years.
They didn’t just give me something to do every day, they pushed me to grow, and tested my physical, mental, and emotional limits. They were deeply gratifying experiences.
The problem wasn’t just that I missed the daily motivation they offered, it was that tennis and exercise therapy were not only what I did, they became who I was (or so I believed).
That’s part of the struggle when searching for new purpose; you’re often not just searching for something to do and to fulfill you, you’re searching for a new identity.
Yet, purpose, your job, and your identity are not the same.
Gap Insight: Purpose goes way beyond something you do and doesn’t make you who you are. It only seems that way until you truly find it.
What is Purpose?
Purpose can be described as the sense that your life is oriented toward something that deeply matters to you — a reason for doing what you do that goes beyond your job or the task in front of you.
Research consistently finds that people who report a high sense purpose usually describe it as a direction, rather than a destination.
So, instead of looking for a “dream job,” or for something to do to fill your time, look for something that energizes you – something that feels deeply personal and meaningful.
After all, you’re really seeking the EMOTION of purpose, not the action. You’re looking to feel more alive, engaged, and most importantly, that you’re contributing to something bigger than you.
My guiding light has gone from trying to become the best tennis player in the world, to helping people find relief from pain, and has now morphed into helping others create more fulfilling, happier lives.
That’s my purpose at the moment. It spans way beyond just me, and fills me with excitement, fulfillment, challenge, and a sense of contribution every single day.
Gap Insight: Real purpose never leaves you despite struggle and hardship or even victory and success. It becomes the driving force behind everything you do.
5 Ways to Create Purpose
Whatever your situation – retiree, empty nester, 20-something wanderer, aging athlete, or CEO seeking the next inspiring escapade – here are five ways to create new meaning and purpose:
1. Give to others
There’s nothing that creates more purpose and makes us feel more alive than by contributing to others, or to the world, in a meaningful way. Whether it’s your time, money, expertise, or love, you can’t go wrong.
Volunteer a few days a week at a local shelter, become a big brother or sister, substitute teach or tutor, hold weekly webinars online teaching your expertise, coach your local soccer or t-ball team, lead a free meditation hour at the park.
I became a volunteer assistant tennis coach for several years at a local university, and it was one of the most rewarding things I’ve done this decade.
2. Give to yourself
What if your sole purpose was to love yourself?
Take yourself to yoga (or join us for Sunday Stretch), give yourself thirty minutes a day to breathe and meditate, eat the most nutritious foods you can find, indulge in sappy movies, treat yourself to a surfing retreat to Costa Rica (I’ll go with you!).
Whatever sounds wonderful and your mind can dream up is yours to embrace.
Make a list of all the ways you can to love on yourself, dive in, and enjoy. You might just become addicted to loving you, and it might become lasting, meaningful purpose.
By the way, it isn’t selfish to focus on loving yourself. It’s life-altering. And it’s a fact that the more you love yourself, the more love you’ll have to give to others.
3. Write out some goals
Goals provide something to aim for along with a roadmap filled with meaningful purpose.
The act of creating them also elicits your imagination and creativity while stirring up a sense of motivation.
Don’t think of this as a task, think of it as a compass providing direction.
Write out two goals – no more or less than two – for your health, relationship, family, travel, work, or for any part of your life you wish to focus on. If you’re feeling stuck anywhere in your life, writing out some goals will feel like purpose in itself, and will get the snowball rolling.
4. Feel – first the pain, then the gain
Too few people use this powerful technique that has never failed me in thirty years. Nor has it failed anyone I’ve ever used this with.
I worked with a woman who thought she’d found her dream job. She had the title, the pay, the status, and the purpose. Then, two weeks in, she suddenly realized she had been given a bait-and-switch, and her “dream job” was actually a nightmare, with her boss as Darth Vader in disguise.
Her words to me regarding the loss of her dream were: “It was soul-crushing.”
Disappointment, sadness, loss…all emotions she needed to acknowledge and clear before she could move on and find her true dream.
Like her, there might be some emotions you need to acknowledge that are standing in your way of finding meaningful purpose.
Clearing out the sadness of becoming an empty nester, feeling your loneliness from losing someone you cared for, or taking the time to feel the empty space (whatever emotion comes up) from having a lack of purpose, can clear the way to discovering a new muse.
And it’s easy to do. Simply close your eyes, become present to the emotion – sadness, worry, despair, disappointment, emptiness, confusion, etc. – and sit with it.
Feel it for several minutes until it dissipates. That’s all.
It always clears if you sit with it long enough, and on the other side will be more clarity and relief – every single time.
Next, decide which emotions you want to feel: inspiration, excitement, challenge, contribution, love, connection, recognition, etc.
When you sit down and decide what you want a compelling purpose to feel like, the universe can begin to align with your desires.
5. Be on the lookout for what inspires you
When you’re searching for purpose, it always helps to be on the lookout for what feels inspiring.
Begin by answering these three questions:
What are you passionate about? Deeply purposeful endeavors ooze with passion. As you begin to investigate and acknowledge the things you’re passionate about, you’ll find purpose hiding in plain sight.
What do you think about all the time? Do you think about politics, tennis, travel, love, writing, reading? What’s on your mind that you can’t shake?
Your most meaningful interests are likely always on your mind, you probably just never stopped to consider they could turn into purposeful endeavors.
What sounds really fun? The last time you were steeped in purpose, I’m guessing it was also fun at least most of the time.
When you imagine doing something that feels purposeful now, it can help to begin with pinpointing something that would be immensely enjoyable.
After all, if it’s not enjoyable, it won’t be fulfilling, and if it isn’t enjoyable or fulfilling, what’s the point?
Gap Insight: Passion, interest, and enjoyment; three bright and shining stars that could lead to creating crazy, fulfilling purpose if you allow them to.
Final Thoughts
Purpose is often more of a direction than an achievement or something you do. As you move in the direction of fulfilling your needs, desires, passions, or interests, you’ll find purpose along the way.
Keep these additional insights in mind in the meantime:
- Purpose shifts. As you change and grow, your purpose often changes and evolves with you. Let it. What once felt gratifying and fulfilling might not weeks, or years, later.
- Presence begets purpose. Purpose is everywhere and can be found in the smallest of things when you’re present – taking your dog for a walk, talking to a stranger at a bus stop, noticing the beauty of a sunrise as it lights up the sky.
- Genuine purpose is simply code for “deep meaning and fulfillment.” You’re really looking for the emotion of purpose and to contribute to something beyond yourself, not just for something that keeps you busy.
- If you seek it, it will come. If you genuinely seek purpose, you will find it. The universe always provides the answers when you earnestly ask.
As you follow these guidelines and the five ways to find purpose, you’ll find your brilliant north star, or several of them.
And you’ll begin to narrow the gap between where you are and where you want to be – one fulfilling purpose at a time.
P.S. If this landed for someone you know who is in the middle of a transition right now — a retirement, a loss, a life path that feels uncertain— please share this blog post to them. Sometimes the most purposeful thing we can do is remind someone they’re not alone in the searching.
