Luckily, there is something you can do about it
Perhaps, you’ve noticed there’s a feeling building inside you. An uncomfortable energy you can’t quite name.
Like a sneaky virus working its way through your insides, it slowly devours you one piece at a time.
It began as an itch, grew into an ache, and now it’s a full-blown pain you’d like to suppress, you’ve tried to ignore, and you’d much rather forget.
In the meantime, it’s been creating a gap between you and a romantic partner, co-worker, parent, or friend for too long, and every day you hold onto it, it costs you something more.
First your peace of mind, then your sleep, eventually your happiness, your health, and even your relationship.
Relationship therapists believe it’s one of the top killers of couples.
Some psychologists and health experts think it’s so insidious that it’s a major contributor to cancer.
What is it?
The degrading and poisonous energy of resentment.
Gap Insight: Resentment is like a slow burning fire that gradually consumes the vitality of everything it touches, including you.
What It’s All About
Resentment is often described as anger coupled with a heaping pile of bitterness, but there’s much more to it.
Resentment is often triggered when holding someone else accountable for your unhappiness, health, or well-being, which means that blame is also part of the equation.
Add a dash of hurt to the mix, considering the word ‘resentment’ comes from the roots “re” (again) and “sentir” (to feel), and translates into the act of repeatedly feeling something painful.
Anger, bitterness, blame, and hurt.
Combined, they create an elixir of unease and act as a barrier between you and the one you resent.
Left unattended long enough, it will impact everything in your life, and it has many sources:
- You feel someone has betrayed or wronged you or crossed your boundaries.
- You keep replaying a painful past event over and over in your head.
- You feel someone has repeatedly disrespected, devalued, or diminished you.
- You feel someone isn’t meeting your expectations or needs.
- You feel you’ve been repeatedly taken advantage of by a friend, boss, or romantic partner.
- You carry a sense of unfairness and injustice.
Considering that all emotions live inside us in the form of neurotransmitters or hormones that impact every single cell, organ, and tissue in our bodies, you can imagine the health consequences these energies (anger, hurt, blame, bitterness) have the potential to spark.
In the end, there’s no limit to what long-held resentment can lead to, but whatever comes of it, it isn’t good.
Gap Insight: Allowing resentment to fester in your body or your relationship is like allowing an infected wound to continue untreated. The consequence can be deadly.
A Cautionary Tale
I once worked with a woman who desperately wanted to adopt a shelter dog, but her husband didn’t. She tried to convince him repeatedly to change his mind, but he refused to budge.
She began to blame him for her lack of happiness and gradually built-up resentment towards him that permeated every meal, vacation, and conversation.
On his part, he felt unheard, marginalized, disrespected and powerless to change the downward spiral of her mood and the relationship, so he, too, built up resentment that formed a barrier between them.
Both of them began to feel a sense of isolation and loneliness because their resentment kept them from experiencing the intimacy and connection that they both deeply needed and desired.
To relieve the pain between them, they began to create reasons to work longer hours in the office, take solo trips to visit friends or family, and to generally spend time apart, thereby living separate lives while holding the pretense of remaining together.
Sadly, the relationship grew too far apart to mend as neither was willing to compromise, but it still sticks with me as a reminder of what resentment can cost us when we refuse to take responsibility for it and clear it.
Gap Insight: Once you start down the road of resentment, it’s a slippery slope. You can climb out of it, but you have to be willing to end the pattern that continues to evoke it.
The Cure
Thankfully, resentment doesn’t have to erode your health or your relationship if you face it head-on. It can be cleared and released when you decide to be responsible for it.
Follow these steps to clear out any resentment that might be building inside you.
1. Communicate your feelings out loud
Get on the outside what you’ve been holding on the inside. That’s often the best way to keep any emotion from building inside you and from wreaking havoc on your health or your relationship.
When you speak up about your hurt, anger, sadness, frustration, or any emotion that’s building up, you give that energy an outlet, making communication one of the fastest and most effective ways of deflating your resentment.
In addition, perhaps there’s a conversation you’ve been avoiding with someone for far too long. It’s time to have it. Waiting only makes it feel more daunting and builds up more destructive energy.
2. Let go of your blame.
Recognize that you and you alone are responsible for the choices you’ve made and for your feelings. Others have impact on you, and you on them, but nobody can make you feel anything. You do that to yourself.
Also, you can’t blame when you accept responsibility for your part. So ask yourself this: What’s your part and what’s your impact on the situation or the person you’re resenting?
3. Embrace forgiveness.
Like warm water, forgiveness is a universal solvent. It dissolves blame, victim, rage, anger, hurt, and especially, resentment.
Keep in mind that forgiveness is the ultimate gift you give yourself, not just someone else.
4. Feel your emotions
Feeling and processing your emotions is a common theme in these newsletters. That’s because your emotions are your pathway to vitality, connection, and optimal health in yourself and every relationship in your life.
So, if you feel yourself building up resentment towards someone, grab your journal or a piece of paper and begin writing about your:
- Anger
- Hurt
- Unidentified emotional pain
The last one – unidentified pain – is crucial if you don’t know what you’re feeling exactly, but you know it’s there. In all three cases, write and feel the emotion as you’re writing.
If writing isn’t your thing, you can always find a quiet space, close your eyes and feel the emotion or the energy as much as you can for as long as it takes.
It might take five minutes or sixty. However long it takes, it will be well worth it. No energy or emotion lasts forever, so by feeling it to completion you’re clearing it.
Gap Insight: Learning to process your hurt and anger in the moment, or anytime you can, is a crucial part of cultivating inner peace and connection with others. It’s also a key component of ending resentment before it begins.
Final Thoughts
Resentment is a notoriously destructive energy.
If you find you’re blaming someone for your unhappiness, accumulating anger, bitterness, hurt, or especially, resentment, it’s essential to clear out that emotional residue keep it from eroding your health or your relationship.
Perhaps it’s time to have that difficult conversation with someone while communicating your feelings and needs.
Maybe you need to process your emotions, let go of blame, or there’s someone you need to forgive.
Whatever it takes, remember that on the other side you’ll find greater emotional freedom, deeper intimacy, and peace in body, mind, and heart.
See you inside the gap. Subscribe here!
Yours in health and gratitude, David
Resentment usually shows up in the body before it shows up in a fight — see Have You Spoken to Your Body Lately? for the physical signs.
FAQ
What is resentment actually doing to your body?
Resentment is anger with blame and hurt mixed in, and because emotions are biochemical, carrying it around long enough puts your body through the same wear as chronic stress — worse sleep, a weaker immune system, some researchers even link it to cancer risk. I think of it less like an event and more like a slow burn. That’s why it does so much damage before anyone notices, including the person carrying it.
How do you get rid of resentment toward someone?
Four steps I walk clients through: say the feeling out loud instead of sitting on it, let go of blaming the other person for your unhappiness, choose forgiveness (which is a gift you give yourself, not just them), and actually feel the underlying emotion — anger, hurt, whatever it is — until it moves through you.
Can resentment really end a relationship?
I’ve watched it happen. A couple I worked with let years of unspoken resentment — over something as small as adopting a dog — grow into two separate lives while they stayed technically together. Resentment left unaddressed doesn’t stay contained. It erodes a relationship from the inside until there’s nothing left to repair.
